LIX | contradiction


Remember when I was so into you like you never left my mind from the moment I open my eyes till I visit my milky way? Even in my dreams, you were there. Guess what, I’m down to 87% now.

I’m thinking of you 87% of the time now unlike before which was 100% of the time.

I chose to be busy. I chose to get tired. I chose to be preoccupied so my mind would get too occupied you couldn’t afford to push yourself through my mind. I succeeded… to think less of you.

I was part of the SSpS Young Leaders’ Congress 2016 that was held in my school last Friday. It was good for two days, November 11-12, 2016.

It was 93% before I left home.

There were several activities. For the first activity, we were divided into 9 groups. I went to my groupmates. I saw them and him. The first thing we were given was a big handkerchief. I knew what its purpose would be as soon as I saw it, blindfold. The most unexpected thing was the activity that we did with it. We were asked to roam around, away from our groupmates. Well, we didn’t really have any idea that it was for that purpose. I found my friend at first. We thought it was just that but no. The facilitator then explained. She assigned an animal to every group and the exciting part is we’re supposed to find our groupmates by only saying the animal sound we’re given to. The cow was assigned to my group. I had to moo around but it didn’t take long. I was assisted a little by someone, I think that’s the facilitator when she saw that I’m about to bump into my groupmate. There was no hesitation but we held hands as soon as we found each other and I knew right away that it was him. There was no awkwardness, I swear. I’m not used to holding hands with anyone even with my friends but I felt so comfortable. I felt safe. I think that’s the purpose of the game.

I felt a little attached. I realized. Maybe I’m not really in love with you like they’re telling me. Maybe I was just too excited. Maybe I just got attached with all the happenings. Maybe I just overreacted. Now that I interacted with another guy I’m feeling tingly again, maybe it’s just the interactions. Maybe it’s not really my feelings.


But I don’t feel this way with every guy, like duh? I have guy classmates who are way romantic but I just shrug my shoulders at them all the time? I never ever felt anything even the first days I’ve been with them.


Now I’m contradicting every thought I have.

Watch me deny and reject every feeling I have with you.


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