ENTRY LIV | i’m lost

I knew I’d be spending the mass today with you around. It’s probably gonna be the last mass. I don’t know.

Nothing else changed. I still hold my breath whenever you’re near. If something actually changed maybe it’s my feelings getting deeper.

Earlier, you were flirting with her or okay let’s just say teasing M (she’s actually a friend, I’m not even mad at her so all of this are just said as a matter of fact). JG told me you were not really like that before so we were assuming that you finally found out that M likes you. Boys will be boys. They tease the girl more once they find out they like them. I wanted to change positions so much. I wanted to walk away but I couldn’t move away from my post. I decided to go to the right side where one officer was also standing. I was able to breathe peacefully once I stood there. I really can’t stay still in one place, you see. I always move from one place to another (one reason why I used to transfer schools during grade school days lol). I always look around. So, unconsciously I looked to my left where you guys were standing. You were looking at our side, staring. Our eyes met. I knew that. You were looking. Shocked, I didn’t take my eyes away from you. You weren’t smiling nor frowning. Normally, I’d casually take my eyes away or let the other person do the first move. But, I couldn’t breathe already so I suddenly snapped, stood straight and looked in front. That took 3-5 seconds??

I was fidgeting as we were walking to the front seats. I knew I’d be sitting right next to you if I continued. As we arrived, I was waiting for JG. I didn’t know if I should actually sit right next to you or leave one seat between us. I probably looked stupid but I stopped a little in front of every seat. My heartbeat tripled when I stood next to you. I was nervous that you might actually hear it already. I don’t know. Maybe it was just me but we were actually awkward that moment? I prayed to myself that I could actually take in if you just ignore me and talk to the persons in your left. You were with your year level mates anyway so I don’t really mind coz I was going crazy myself just enough already.

I don’t know if I should thank Emeged but I think he’s the only reason for our interactions now or I don’t know. You suddenly nudged me and pointed at the back. I raised my eyebrows then realized you were talking about Emeged. Your coursemates were only sitting at our back. I rolled my eyes heavenwards.

You: Chat mo.

Me: Ano?! I couldn’t help but laugh at the silliness of your suggestion.

You: Chat mo siya.

Me: Nakalimutan mo atang my girlfriend yung tao no?! I couldn’t help but hit you in the shoulder.

You: Oo nga no? You kept on laughing I wanted to stop the time and just watch you laugh. I wanted to tear up already.

You: Kunwari walang girlfriend chat mo

I couldn’t help but shake my head the whole time.

Me: ‘Di naman kasi. Wala naman talaga e. I was half confessing my feelings already but times when you’re just dumb.

You: Pano nga kung walang girlfriend

I punched you on the shoulder a bit hard and only laughed. I had so much to say. I was itching to ask you when’s your birthday but I lacked courage. FML.

Later on, you suddenly brushed your knees on mine, nudging me. Oh, skinship. 

Again, because of Emeged. He was passing by when you did that. I want to strangle you so bad. Why are you doing this to me?

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