ENTRY XLI | Done

I’m so done.

Okay, I cried myself to sleep last night. I felt vulnerable so suddenly. I wanted to stop everything. I wanted to stop what I’m feeling that is continuously growing within me. I don’t know if it’s tiring or just me getting more hopeless. Whenever I get so happy or whatever, something suddenly reminds me off like “Girl, you have to stop.” But it all still seem so blurry.

Last night, I decided to stop making efforts just to take a glimpse of you. I will stop exerting effort and just let God do the rest when it comes with you.

Today, I felt so empty. I  barely smiled. No, I never smiled the moment I arrived. I was bidding the chances not to see you at all today and thought that would be really a big help to me.

But, what the hell?

First thing in the morning, first period, you peeked at my classroom looking for someone. It took a couple of seconds and I suddenly felt alive again. As if on cue, my heart lost it. It was too late before I realize that you, once again, painted another smile on my face. Like, honestly, I never saw you that early in the morning, why now…

I wanted to pee so bad that time I had to wait for another 10 minutes just to make sure you won’t be out there anymore. My friend also came with me to the toilet room. Just when we were going down the stairs, you appeared again. You even asked us. You were looking for two persons. Again, Ms. Heart lost it. I was, once again, anxious that you’d hear this heartbeat while you were close.

And again, right after my first class I saw you once again.

I just wanna take a rest.

 

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