ENTRY XXXIX | so done

 

I seriously need help now! What am I supposed to do with myself? I always want to see you but whenever you’re around, I shake up and try to avoid you. Before, I’d always look at you, take glances at you but not anymore (I guess?). I just let my heart beat to its loudest hymn. I let myself go roar for stopping myself.

Before lunch, the ushers were called for a meeting. I was busy eating something in a jar but I caught you. I caught you looking at me and probably judging me for being so matakaw. Lol. Why did Ms. D have to broadcast about my katakawan anyway?

Lunch, you were in my left side and I didn’t even dare look where you were sitting. You were eating with my friend (alias: Ney) and the higher years. I didn’t hesitate when my friend who I ate with told me to go to the library. Usually, I’d answer back: Oh, can we please stay a bit longer? *heart eyes* But then Ney started calling my name when I was by the stairs already. I was nervous for a second, I wanted you to look back as well and call me, lol just kidding. Seconds later, you looked back at me then raised your hand calling me. Okay.

I walked to your place and my friends decided to go ahead to the library. You were right next to my left and Ney was on my right. You guys were also watching Train to Busan. The higher years were joking and asking me if I could understand the whole thing with no sub. I stayed there for a couple of minutes. Yes, for golden minutes with you right there, right next to me. I couldn’t answer Ney’s questions properly for I was anxious about myself. I was conscious about you having the chance to hear the going wild beats of my heart. I’m serious. I could almost feel my heart jumping out of my chest. We had little conversations. Mostly, me answering you sarcastically. Why am I like this?

When I was about to get the laptop from you, wanting to help my friend, you jokingly stretched your hand to give it to me but then you took it back. Okay. That is just adorable.

P.M, we went to the Office to give our friend (alias: JG) her share of the cake we bought. You were there. You asked us to give you guys also and I answered back: ‘Pag may natira pa. I wanted to give my share but food is life.

Before going home, we want back to the Office and you were still there. We went inside to wait for JG. You said the cake was delicious and asked who baked it and my friend answered that it was from Goldilocks. I didn’t bother to answer even though I actually wanted to. All I could do was laugh at your silliness. I don’t know if I was having hallucinations but our eyes always met. That is why, whenever you were about to say something, I knew you were talking to me without having to call my name. You suddenly asked where I was living. I said: diyan lang sa bahay. You looked eager to know the answer though so you dismissed my sarcastic answer. Malapit ka lang ba? Saan? Nagdodorm ka ba? All I could answer was No. Diyan diyan lang. I knew you’d ask more if it was only the two of us coz you’re chismoso.

One time, you said something really funny I unconsciously smiled, really smiled, at you and you were also like that. I suddenly felt conscious I looked the other way and saw Ms. D looking. I half-panicked. I prayed for her not to notice anything. I hope the way I smiled didn’t look like I was smiling at the love of my life (ugh). I just couldn’t help but smiling like gad, how are you not suppose to smile when he’s also smiling back at you? Honestly.

Then, you suddenly said Kayong mga nakatayo (we were three) umupo kayo dito at tumulong! jokingly. We were willing. You asked JG about what we could help but she didn’t answer and I answered sarcastically (and maybe jokingly?) Paano tumitig? Then you freaking did it! You didn’t take your glance away for a couple of seconds. I almost freaked out but I loved staring games so… Then, I laughed and it was over.

JG started saying good bye to Ms. D while you were picking up a number of erasers. Then, you looked at me and gestured like you’re giving it to me. I jokingly stretched my hand to accept it but took it back. You suddenly picked up all the remaining erasers real quick and even picked up the five peso coin you saw and stood up. You walked to me and put it slowly in my hand. I was losing my mind. I was like: Ano? Para mabura mga pagkakamali ko? Then everyone laughed. I shook my head.

As we went out, you eagerly raised your hand to say good bye. I also waved my hand happily in a funny way. Sighs.

 

 


What a day. I got a 65 grade for a report and I’m not even sad about it. What’s happening to me? We were reprimanded for almost an hour but I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel any anxiety, remorse or whatever.


 

 

 

I’m so done.

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